Boban Knezevic

Darker than a stormy night

It's about fifteen miles from Shark City to Velus. My car stopped
somewhere between these two cities. I was alone, the night had
just begun and the rain was mercilessly pouring down... It was
exactly the kind of wet, pitch-dark night that electromobiles
choose to reveal their worst defects. When the battery runs down
or some other part stops working, the whole vehicle is flooded by
the darkness. The darkness, however, didn't worry me so much as
the other slowly creeping enemy: the cold.

I knew I should move the car from the middle of the road, but the
thought of going out sent shivers along my spine. It was not
working in the rain that bothered me, but the fact that opening
the door meant losing all the accumulated warmth in the endless
night. It had already started growing cold and I expected to
start trembling in a few minutes.

The road between Shark City and Velus is straight as an arrow,
lined with meadows and the occasional low grove. I could see
nothing of this now, though. The falling rain drummed on the
car's roof, on the windshield in front of me, on the puddles
which constantly changed their shape as if taking part in a
macabre alien dance

A light appeared in the distance... A car was approaching, and
only when I saw its headlights did I realize how dense the
surrounding sheets of water were.

I had no time for contemplation. I gritted my teeth and got out
of the car as quickly as possible. I intended to close the door
immediately, but a wave of cold enveloped me and I stood still
for a few precious moments. Afterwards, closing the door, I knew
that the interior of the car was now no warmer than the air
outside.

The approaching car filled me with hope. I had to reach Shark
City or Velus and find a place to spend the night, search for a
service station and try to prepare my car for a further long
drive. Or, if that wasn't possible, to find some other way to
continue my journey. I had to be on Odron-peak not later than
noon tomorrow; there were some very unpleasant things in store
for me if I didn't make it on time.

The blinding headlights approached with lightning speed, but the
driver paid no attention to my wild gesticulations, nor to my
immobilized car. The darkness swallowed him up and everything was
as before: the rain, the dark, and I, alone between Shark City
and Velus...

After swearing for some time I realized that words wouldn't help,
so I decided to move the car to the side of the road. In the
pitch darkness it was impossible to see the edge of the road and
I pushed the vehicle until pushing it became more difficult and
something sticky splashed under my feet.

Ten minutes later the sky blazed again and I went out for the
second time. I saw the same vehicle coming from the opposite
direction, and cursed my luck: here I was, stranded in the middle
of nowhere, and I didn't even have a torch. I just stood beside
the car and waved. After the speeding car shot by again without
even slowing down I knew that what I had to do next was walk...
Well, I could stay in the car all night long and try to stop
somebody, but eventually I would nevertheless be obliged to walk
to Shark City. I chose it because I had once spent ten days there
with some people and I hoped they would help me now.

So I started walking, slowly at first, then faster and faster,
trying to keep at least part of the bitter cold at bay. I knew
that later my feet would hurt as never before, but to be late in
reaching Odron-peak meant imprisonment with but a single right:
the right to die.

Water poured down my jacket, my face was wet, my underwear too...
I walked on, cursing my luck, following the invisible asphalt,
surrounded by invisible fields... And then I saw a shadow by the
road, a shadow hidden in the darkness. There was something on the
road ahead, something darker than the stormy night.

I tried to listen, but heard only the sound of the falling rain.
The thing was about twenty feet from me and stood on the edge of
the road, resembling an abandoned car. Its shape was very hard to
distinguish and I had the impression that its inside grew
brighter. I was suddenly immobilized by the blinding glare of its
headlights, realizing that it was a car only when it moved toward
me.

It came forward slowly and noiselessly, as if just woken from
sleep, and I stepped out of its way. I couldn't see it clearly,
but I could tell from its headlights and windshield that it was
huge.

It stopped next to me. The interior was filled with a dim bluish
light, allowing me to get only vague impressions of everything. I
saw only the outline of a driver and nothing more. Hope and fear
chased themselves through my heart, with a strong predominance of
the latter. I even wanted to turn around and run into the fields,
but lacked the force for it... Frozen beside the queer car I
waited and hoped.

A movement. The door slowly opened, as if falling against me, and
stood still. I looked at the motionless shape of the driver
inviting me into his car, but something strange and mysterious
held me rooted to the spot. The door remained open and the warmth
dissipated in the night. But the driver didn't pay any attention,
he didn't even look in my direction. He had invited me in and
nothing else troubled him.

Feeling that I had no other choice, I cautiously walked to the
car. As I entered, my eyes were riveted on the control panel,
which resembled a small computer center: lights, dials, figures,
lights again, rows of LED's and LCD's, most of them completely
incomprehensible to me.

I sat back in the comfortable seat and looked at the driver as
the first pleasant feeling of warmth ran through my body. He
looked at me too. I saw nothing strange in him at this moment.

"I am Gortan," he said softly.

I kept silent and the car drove on along the road which was lit
up for at least half a mile ahead by its powerfull strong
headlights.

"Where to?" He asked.

"What you mean?" I finally said, realizing that my jaw was numb
with cold.

"Where should I drive you to?" Gortan repeated patiently.

"Just drive to wherever you are going," I replied, not sure of
his intentions. "A city. Any city at all."

I didn't have the courage to tell him that my destination, Shark
City, lay in the opposite direction. But nothing eluded him.

"You were walking toward Shark City. Is that where you live?"

"No. My car broke down not far from here, so I went to look for
help."

"Yeah, could happen if one has a bad car."

I kept silent.

"Where are you headed to?" He asked after a while.

"It's a long way from here." I said.

"There's neither a long way nor an unattainable goal if one has a
good car."

I smiled for the first time since the night had begun.

"I'm going to the ocean. Odron-peak."

It was more than three hundred kilometers away.

"Good, let's go to Odron-peak... I've never been there."

The car gathered speed. It was pleasant to feel the acceleration
pushing me back into the seat.

"My car is beside the road... Over there!" I exclaimed when the
headlights illuminated a blue car at the road's edge. Gortan
stopped his vehicle close by my car and I felt something strange
in his movements.

"Take all you need," he said softly. "Someday you'll come back to
take the rest... if you still feel like it." Panic flashed
through my mind. What he said sounded somehow ominous, more as a
conclusion than as a proposition...

I gathered all the necessary things from the car and some minutes
later I felt the terrible acceleration pushing me once more back
into the seat.

Time and again I looked stealthily at the dashboard in front of
me; the speedometer rushed to the figure 100 and I had the
feeling it would never stop. One hundred meters per second on a
wet road! Almost unconsciously, as if in a trance, I groped for
the safety left and locked it. My eyes were riveted on the
speedometer, which was now showing 130 meters per second. The car
continued accelerating.

It was not only pure power that sent this car racing in the
night. No less important for its speed were the shape, the
suspension, the tires... In short, it was a perfect car.

"Damn it," I broke the silence finally, "what kind of car is
this?"

Gortan didn't reply. He kept silent, and I left him in peace. It
seemed as if he needed time to think about what he had to tell
me. And it was obvious that he had something extraordinary to
tell.

"You'll have noticed perhaps... I'm a cripple."

Exactly! All the time I had felt something queer in his movements
and now I knew why nothing moved except his hands. Both his legs
were in darkness, so I hadn't looked at them yet.

"No legs." Gortan said calmly. "I always liked the feeling of
speed; one day I had a crash and lost them both. When I left the
hospital I was incapable of doing even the simplest everyday
things for myself... I sank deeper and deeper in self-pity and
despair, and had perhaps no more than a year left, when the
representatives of KOL laboratories came to me with an
extraordinary proposition... They told me KOL had the means to
implant me in a special car, so that I could drive permanently. I
had nothing to loose... All that happened more than fifty years
ago, but the car is still the same..."

"Fifty years?!" By his face, or at least by what I could see of
it, I wouldn't have thought him more than forty.

"I'm eighty years old." He said it simply and I knew it was true.
"If everything goes as they promised, I should live another fifty
years... As a highway lord... a night rider..."

"I can't understand? Why did they do it... and how many times?"

"There aren't many such cars in the world, maybe fifty all in
all... I could have as easily chosen to become a spaceship pilot
or to be frozen and revived after a hundred or a thousand years,
which is what almost everybody chooses."

"But why do they do it?"

"A department of KOL laboratories in the far North is engaged in
some sort of immortality research. They need volunteers for some
very unpleasant experiments. Afterwards they offer you some
choices as a reward. I, clearly, chose the car."

"How much does it cost them?"

"A lot. This car is a trifle for them; they could produce as many
as needed. It is much harder to find volunteers for those
experiments, because the main condition is complete cooperation
with the scientists."

"What kind of experiments?"

Gortan's artificially young face convulsed. Obviously even half a
century hadn't been enough to wipe away the memories of the
experience.

"Every kind of experiment," he said grimly. "Sometimes people
just crack."

After that last remark he remained silent for a while. The road
slid under our wheels with the mind-bending speed of 120 meters
per second. All of this seemed strange, almost impossible, or at
least illogical.

"What kind of life is it that you lead now?" I asked at last.
"How do you eat, what makes this car move, how come you don't get
fed up with all this?"

"I'm inseparably implanted in the car. We breathe, live, and move
together and when the time comes we shall die together too."

"So you are some kind of cyborg," I said warily.

The car threw its powerful beams ahead as if striving towards
infinity. I slowly collected my thoughts.

"Yes, I am, in a sense; the question has never bothered me... All
roads are mine in the night. And I know there's nobody faster and
stronger on the highway."

The car started accelerating again. The speedometer reached 135.
I couldn't believe it. At this speed every pot-hole or bulge on
the road could be fatal.

"Yes," Gortan agreed, as if reaching my mind, "but this is no
ordinary car, just as I'm not an ordinary driver. Under perfect
conditions it can easily do 160 meters per second. I have done it
several times."

"What about fuel?"

"Water... Just water... rain, spring water, distilled water...
every kind of water. At this moment the tanks are filling up, and
until the rain stops I'll have enough for thousands of kilometers
more."

I had nothing to say. All this seemed like a dream or a
fairy-tale. How was it possible for somebody to know the secret
of using water as a fuel and not use it on a large scale? Good
God, that could change our whole world! How could Gortan's body
remain unchanged by time? How could that happen, too, damn it?

"Two points still bother me," I cautiously said. "First. if they
are so powerful, why didn't they give you new legs; secondly,
aren't you bored to death?"

"They grant one wish only and I had spent more than a third of my
life in cars before the crash. If I had chosen new legs there
would have been nothing else for me to do but drive and drive
again. With a single difference, though - I would have been long
dead of old age by now. As it is I shall live for half a century
more. And driving could never bore me, especially in such a car."

I nodded thoughtfully... If he kept up that speed and nothing
impeded him we would soon reach Odron-peak. It was a great pity
that I couldn't invite Gortan to my present home. But then, he
didn't need it. Everything I could offer was useless to him. He
had his own life - forwards and only forwards.

"I don't really need these headlights," he resumed. "The car can
scan almost the entire spectrum of electromagnetic waves."

"So you were driving in darkness before you met me?"

"No, I stood still... I like to stay still in the middle of the
night and look at the world around on a very narrow wavelength;
sometimes I drive through the darkness without a single light...
as a dark, deadly shadow."

We passed Tilip, which meant my home was no more than thirty
miles away. The sharp turns and uneven ground forced Gortan to
slow down to 42 meters per second, still a fantastic speed by
itself.

"The people choosing hibernation are wrong. They gain only a
glimpse of the future. Life there will be impossible for them,
because today's knowledge will be worthless in comparison with
our descendants' achievements... People choosing space are wrong
too, all they get is a hollow eternity. Cars are the only true
answer, with them you feel alive, constantly on the move, you can
change things, and what's even more important, you can achieve
every goal..."

My anxiety grew as I listened to him. Why did he have to speak
like this? Was it just some kind of confession, or did he have
something else in mind?

Finally Gortan voiced the question I had feared.

"Would you... accept to be the driver of a car like this?"

"Nonsense," I quickly replied, then, feeling that sharp words
could be dangerous, I continued in an even voice. "I do not need
a life of permanent driving."

"Not permanent... no more than a century..."

"If time is what matters, then space flight is the best solution;
life in space can be prolonged for millennia."

"Subjectively. Life in space is measured by the life of the
stars, so it remains insignificant. In a car you are surrounded
by common time."

"What kind of life is that? Driving, driving and endlessly
driving again..."

"No, it is not what you think. Rather the opposite, I should say.
Nothing restricts my freedom. I'm free in just the measure I
need."

"I would find it boring, monotonous..."

"A delusion... When you become like me, everything seems
different... I live in absolute peace and nothing could shake me.
A life without problems."

"Is it really possible to live like that?"

"Yes... as you can see for yourself. Tell me about your life."

"I am... for the time being, I am... temporarily in jail."

"You do not look like a prisoner... Fugitive?"

Was it only my imagination or was there hope indeed in his voice?

"No," I coldly said, "it's an alternative prison, an invention of
the twenties. I work as an assistant in an observatory."

"Tell me about it."

"It is simple enough. Nowadays, for fraud or car accidents you do
not go to a real jail, but to an alternative one. A job... I live
there with two dozen prisoners like me and some real scientists.
Six years for now. Four more years and I'll be free. Now I'm
coming back from one of the two leaves granted to the long-term
prisoners. I have been on that mountain for six years now. But
life there is easy enough. No excessive control, no discipline,
everybody just does his job and awaits the end of his
sentence..."

"Strange... You could decide not to return."

"No, I couldn't. There is no place to go to. Escape from an
alternative prison means death. They find you very soon and kill
you on sight. I haven't heard of anybody taking such risks."

"A clever arrangement, although there's way to deceive them."

"Better not, if you mean KOL laboratories."

"Well... Do you like working in that observatory?"

"I chose it myself: the stars have always fascinated me."

"You look at the stars, searching for life's meaning in them; you
look at the clouds, trying to predict rain..."

"I observe and study the stars. It is the ultimate task of
mankind. In them we can find all the answers."

"Granted, mankind has to find all these ultimate answers, but
what could you, personally, add to the general knowledge?"

"A little, a very little, but my work has it's meaning too...
Observational data is gathered for centuries and only then does
it become meaningful."

"Astronomy can go on without you and your discoveries."
"Astronomy is not all I have... I could bind myself to a car for
a year or two, no more, then I would surely go berserk." I
suddenly realized that I was on the defensive, or worse, trying
to justify myself.

And although driving had always been a pleasure for me, I
expected with impatience the moment I would get out of here and
return to my astrocameras and telescopes, forgetting this
fantomatic car... Four more years of jail were not so hard to
bear, and then I could start life again from scratch.

"Stop here... you can't continue any further, there isn't any
road to the peak itself."

I ought to say "thanks", open the door and go out in the night.
The rain had subsided, but the five hundred yards to the
observatory were steep and muddy, and very unpleasant for
walking... I should get out and run, but I sat still instead.
Only much later did I understand what had kept me immobile in my
seat: expectation.

"Come with me," Gortan said calmly. It was neither a question,
nor a proposition or an order... it sounded more as a decision.

I shook my head, avoiding his eyes. He was obviously sincere and
proposed it as a favor to me, which made it so much harder to
refuse...

"You'll have your own world, you'll be the lord of a changing
reality instead of the invariable stars."

"No... no... impossible. My life is an ordinary one. I realize it
is not the best it can be, but I'm not in a position to choose.
If I'm not up there at midday tomorrow, they will start a hunt
for my head... Besides, a future which starts you off as a guinea
pig and them rivets you to a single seat is not very tempting."

"I'm not riveted to a single place."

"Yes, but you couldn't visit my house now."

"In your present shape you couldn't visit my house either."

His words confused me for a moment. I started to ask what kind of
house it was, then thought better.

Opening the door, I was about to go out into the night full of
moisture and cold...

"Think it over," Gortan went on. "At midnight tomorrow I'll be
here again... If you do not come then, you'll see me on the night
after that... and so on. I will be waiting for you. Eternity and
patience are on my side. And remember: looking at me from the
height of your observatory you might be happy or sad, content or
displeased, nervous or furious, but don't forget: I have achieved
a complete inner peace and tranquility, and I'll be waiting for
you."

"Good-bye," I muttered, and went out quickly. The cold made me
shiver for a while, then I started up. From the very first step
it became clear that the slippery ground would be the worst
obstacle to my return home and I reconciled myself to the fact
that I would be covered with mud.

I looked back just in time to see Gortan switch off his
headlights. For a moment it looked as if the blackness of the
night was once more whole and complete, and then I noticed a
dark, moving shadow.

It was darker than the night it disappeared into.

Gortan kept his promise. And keeps it still. Every night he
suddenly comes out of the darkness without a single light and
stops for a while. I can discern his outline only because he is
darker than everything else. He waits with an inhuman patience,
above and beyond the capacity of any man.

And I have accepted his game. On clear nights, when we are making
astronomical observations, I have the time to look at him,
sometimes for very long... untouchable in his cocoon of peace, he
remains unfathomable for me. As much as I tried, I never noticed
the moment when he disappeared. Sometimes it seemed as if he
didn't go anywhere, as if he was constantly by my side.

When the nights were cloudy I never went to sleep before seeing
his shadow on the road. Then I would lie down with the
comfortable, warm feeling of possessing somebody who was never
going to betray me.

More than anything else, I longed to see what that car looked
like in the daylight. Try as I could, it was impossible to think
of it as of a definite object; for me it always remained a dark,
flying shadow, invisible to human eyes, constantly on the move
along the empty roads,.

Even stranger was the fact that nobody else noticed him. It was
as if he was just a dream, a monstrous figment of my imagination,
a temptation to run away... The answer to all my questions was
down on the road, waiting for me with unlimited patience.
Eventually Gortan's nightly visits became a kind of emotional
sanctuary for me. All day long I furtively looked forward to his
coming, but I never went closer than a hundred meters to him. I
was afraid of that car, of getting close to it, afraid of my
desire to take Gortan's offer, afraid of the changes in my mind.

Completing the third cycle of observations of RS Serpentis, which
showed no difference whatsoever from the previous two, I realized
that the stars would never give me the feeling of excitement that
change brings with it, no, not even if I waited for a zillion
years. And I could wait no more. The stars, which I had made my
life's goal, mocked at me with their invariability and arrogance.
I hated them.

It rained on the next evening and I was glad not to see them. Now
my long-gathered weariness suddenly overcame and crushed my
resistance. I needed sleep... but couldn't sleep. For the first
time I was going to fall asleep without having seen Gortan. Full
of uneasiness, I lay in my bed and hated myself for longing after
Gortan and everything he offered me more than anything else.

The colleagues from the weather station hadn't predicted this
rain. There was no thunder, just the intermittent drumming of the
raindrops on the roof. My misgivings didn't subside and I felt
more and more tense and nervous as midnight approached. It was as
if I expected something extraordinary. I took my place by the
window long before the precise astronomical instruments announced
the start of the new day.

Tense, unmoving, I waited.

Far down through the rain and the darkness I saw the part of the
road where Gortan had always appeared. It was dark, very dark,
but not dark enough. Two hours later, when the rain had almost
stopped, I knew for sure: Gortan hadn't come.

So, something had happened to him. He had proved so persistent
till now that I couldn't believe in his absence. Maybe something
had hindered him.

Accident?

Crash?

Death?

I tried to banish these gloomy thoughts, and lay down in my bed,
hoping that sleep would bring peace... Why did I bother with
things which had no real connection with me? Why was I so linked
with Gortan? Why didn't I feel relived now, after he had stopped
coming?... Society had given me a chance, although I didn't
deserve it, society had even given me a choice; I should stick to
my guaranteed future and never allow life to grind me down to the
bottom again.

But the words of reason slowly dissipated in the darkness.

My uneasiness urged me out and soon I was walking down the wet,
muddy slope. For the first time after almost two years of waiting
I was there, at the spot where I had come out of his car, at the
place he had visited every night since then... every night except
tonight.

As if mocking me, the downpour got stronger, and I was soaked to
the skin in a minute. The cold crept in through my clothes,
squeezed my lungs, took my breath. Then I saw a dark shape in the
night. A flood of emotions made me shiver.

It stopped several meters away from me and stood still.

Nothing moved, nothing made a noise. We were alone with the wind
and the rain. I stood in front of him, looking down guiltily, as
a thief who knows that his crime will never be forgiven. Was that
the end for me? Was my human body surrendering at last? Was I
unilaterally surrendering to this metal monster? I wanted to run
and at the same time to stay, and fiery pain pulsed in me
whenever I thought of both possible alternatives.

I approached cautiously, as I had done on our first meeting so
long ago. What would he say after I entered, would there be
triumph in his eyes, would he be two years older as I was?
Something in me screamed and broke.

Not in golden chains, not for an eternity! I felt hot in the icy
night, my palms were wet, emotions squeezed my chest and the
shivers in my stomach slowly enveloped all my body. Suddenly I
turned and ran back up the slope toward the observatory. I had to
flee in darkness and oblivion, far, far away...

Some strides later I slipped and fell. From the very first step
it had become clear that the slippery ground would be the worst
obstacle to my return home and I reconciled myself to the fact
that I would be covered with mud.

Why is all that familiar to me, and where from? Slipping and
stumbling, I run uphill; night and rain; Gortan fades in the
darkness and disappears... Will I stand at the window tomorrow
and every night after that to look at the road? Will I lie
sleepless again, for hours on end, until he comes, and then sleep
calmly, knowing he is here? Will I again stand some night on the
road, looking at the ground as the conscious and the unconscious
struggle in my mind? Will I ever be free of that curse which
looms over my life?... I have no place to run to, no place to
live, I have only this peak and this observatory, this life and
this destiny.

In the middle of my uphill run I stop and turn back. Gortan has
advanced a hundred yards and stands still, merging with the
darkness, but the beams of the distant headlights betray his
presence. I run downhill, the door opens and I quickly get in. A
quick look at Gortan shows his calm and unchanged face. Then I
feel the acceleration pushing me back in the seat, harder... and
harder... and harder...